The Midnight Diaries of Catty Wampus

The spam just keeps on a-comin’, and the spam poets are still finding new ways of using language and structure to get us interested in their products.

Seriously, if anyone reading this blog knows anyone who writes spam, I would love to start a correspondence and maybe even interview them. These things are clearly not computer-generated–at least many of them are not. So I figure there may be some copywriter somewhere who dreamed of writing jewelry ads, or car commercials, but was forced to take any job that came along while breaking into the business. I am dying to learn their story.

In the meantime, with thanks to my friend Randy Wakerlin for contributing some text from his own spam folder this time around, please enjoy the current crop:

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Subject: haste yourself

1. Find a girl
2. Invite her to your appartments
3. Use subject product V (or C)
4. Have fun
5. Take her number
6. Profit?

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Setting aside the idea that you may actually invite this lucky girl to any of your several “appartments,” I like that Step #6 isn’t a complete guarantee. Also, Step #3 is referring to (I’m guessing) Viagra or Cialis; but using those initials really calls to mind much more vulgar words, don’t they? Well, the C anyway.

Next!

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Subject: hi long island

Like that drink?
Does not matter!
Our patented patch will help you
to grow a whole MOUNTAIN in your pants!

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That’s right, folks. A mountain! In your pants!!

Thanks again, Randy, for the contribution. See you all next time with more Spam Poetry!

(For more creative literature from the junk mail filter, check out the whole Spam Poetry catregory)

Yet another installment of Spam Poetry, where your humble blogger marvels at the linguistic acrobatics and not-too-subtle implications found in recent e-mail spam. We’ll start off with this one:

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Looking to meet up with the local bar slut? Well she is looking for you as well.

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Now that’s great news if ever I heard great news! I can’t tell you the number of times I have said to my friends “You know, I need to find someone to care for. Someone to talk to and cuddle with, to share elegant evening dinners and lazy Sunday mornings with. Someone like… well, you know that local bar slut? Ah, but who am I kidding? She’d probably never be interested in me. *sigh*”

The local bar slut. Yeah.

Next comes a submission from a prolific spammer these days, MegaDik. Which, may I add, just sounds like medical sophistication through and through.

Here’s what they have sent to me:

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Do you want to have an ordinary penis and average women? We don.t think so. That.s why we are here with our offer.

Mega means “great”. And so our medicine MegaDik makes your ramrod simply great!

Buy it and enjoy your new successes in bed!

You.ll be so wondered…

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Note that they take an etymological angle. In case their target audience doesn’t recognize “Mega” as a Latin root, this e-mail clearly spells out what MegaDik means. It’s that kind of helpfulness that makes MegaDik my number one choice for penis-enlargement. They care about the education of their customers, you see.

As for that last line… well, all I can say is: I’m already wondered.

Finally, my favorite bit of prose to have come my way in quite a while. People tell me I’m a decent writer, and that’s flattering. But in a million years I could never have come up with:

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Hello Society eric
theres nothing big about your dick so do something about it

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How can you not love it?

Here’s looking forward to the next Def Poetry Spam!

(For more creative literature from the junk mail filter, check out Spam Poetry #1 and Spam Poetry #2)

I’m always amused by the subject lines of the spam that makes its way to my e-mail in box.

The contents of the spam, however, is usually less exciting. It’s the same old stuff over and over. But every now and then there’s some interesting wording, or concepts that seem so off the wall you have to wonder “did they mean to write that?”

This spam actually made me crack up in the middle of work yesterday:

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Cum with not a drop, but with WATERFALL!
Plenty of side positive effects!
http://donnyl.com/wc/ to cut off your balls.

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’nuff said

As e-mail spam filters get better and better at recognizing spam so you don’t have to deal with it, mass e-mailers continue to find new tricks to fool the filters.

One method you may have seen is to include in the e-mail a paragraph or two of text from Dickens, or Shakespeare, or Mark Twain, etc. The theory there, I suppose, is that the spam filter will think that there is actual important content in the message, instead of exclamations about how much more satisfied your lover could be.

The most recent technique I’ve seen, though, is to continue using the usual spam e-mail Subject lines, but to add on two words that have nothing to do with anything. I’ve gotten several of these recently, and I find it amusing to read what combinations find their way to my In box. Here’s just a sample:

Your health, paper pulper

Refinance your loan, viper-mouth

Need some cash? Just refinance, bunch-word.

Your cash, Neo-Lamarckian

Your cash, paper-footed

Who needs Magnetic Poetry, I say. Just check your e-mail every once in a while.